Associated-Radiation’s Christmas Bash 

15 December 2004

Well, for those of you who weren’t there this year… and come to think of it, I’m not so sure I was… but then again someone must’ve drunk all the 50-year-old Auchtermuchty… Anyway, where was I? Ah yes… this year’s A-R Christmas bash. More of a Christmas thud if you ask me. The wine flowed freely, which is to say, that idiot Harblo knocked over the quarter-bottle of Minderjaehrig-Besoffenschwester which I generously provided “on the house” as soon as he’d got the screw-cap off, after which everyone had to start buying their own. Next up was the cabaret – Gloria and Jean’s brave, commendable, and for the record entirely voluntary, attempt to dance the can-can in full Moulin Rouge get-up while whistling Perpetuum Mobile – which I’m sorry to say was met almost immediately with boos, hisses and cries of “Show us your break-bumpers then!” Even my special, personalised Christmas crackers failed to lighten the mood.

Still, after a long, hard day trying to buy Ulcer, Sottish and Grumpier for four pounds fifty and a tub of honey-roast cashews, it was gratifying to see a big long benchful of underlings in torn paper hats having even worse day than me. I’ve just got the head of our Showing Archive Footage in the Proper Aspect Ratio Dept. to render the one surviving copy of the menu legible by licking most of the chunky bits off it, seeing as that’s all I hired him for. So have a look at what you missed out on – much more opulent than some of our competitors’ efforts and only ten times the sit-down price. So, if your belly’s not rumbling in abject appreciation already, don’t forget that we’ve got your subscription address. What do you want to eat?

— Captain T Brownlegg, DSO, RN (Rtd), D.I.S.C.O.

Associated-Radiation Christmas Menu


Melon Balls

no, Melon Balloons, no, Melon Dancers, that’s it



with Courgettes or Bazalgettes

Main Course

Brazen Turkey

in a Reduced Commitment to Regionalism (no hints)


Lobster “Television Independente de la Sud”

the crustacean that serves the south


Duck Facon de Rotating Aerial

with all the trimmings


Transmitter Tower Burger

and Fremont Point Fries with Men-dip


Hundred Million Squid

sports rights contract served in its own ink

Note: All main courses are served with a big DOG (not optional).


Plum Duff Scheduling

with a thin film of war

Followed By

Colour Cheeseboard ‘F’ and music


ABC (Australian Blue Cheese)

BBC (British Blue Cheese)

CBC (Canadian Blue Cheese)

RTL (Really Tasty Lancs)

Coffee, Mints

that you couldn’t possibly eat another of … oh go on then

Cheeseboard +1

Port and Cigars

(Lew Grade size only)

Cheeseboard Gold 24

(back-to-back showing of the whole first series of Jarlsberg)

Wine List

House Recommendations:

  • Emley Moor 1969
  • Chateau Renewal 2006
  • Ridge Hill 22, 25, 28, 32, 35

Other recommendations are also available…

Barton House is a nice red; Knock More a light white. Aberfoyle is a red you’d do well to lay down for a few years; Kendal Fell should be drunk young, as indeed should we all once in a while. Chillerton Down should, despite the name, be served slightly above room temperature. Crystal Palace, meanwhile, sounds fine and ostentatious but in fact is the kind of cheap vinegar you’d hide behind the radiator in the hope of some improvement, and personally, I wouldn’t accept a glass of Croydon from anyone. Unless it’s free.”

— from The Big Wet Pocketful of Nicked Wine Book 2005

Christmas Crackers

I’m sure you know the feeling – I don’t, but I’m sure you do – rumors of doom are rife; you don’t know if your job’s going North or going west; the company policy documents are moved to a password-protected folder; more and more of the internal e-mails are headed “Full Cascade”…

What better way to put an end to such misery, and assure one’s employees of a complete absence of management cowardice, than via the gift of personalised Christmas cracker messages?

— Captain T Brownlegg, DSO, RN (Rtd), B.V.S.M.P.

Red Christmas Cracker
Green Christmas Cracker

(Watch out – they’ve got a bit of a bang on them…)

Other Xmas Fayre You May Have Missed…

ITV Buffet Menu

Main Course





Did we mention


The management tells us that we can offer what we like, as long as we don’t charge too much for it, and if you think the choice is far more limited than what it was ten years ago, then

Hard Cheese

Regional Opt-Outs

Welsh Rarebit

Scotch Broth

Yorkshire Pudding

Sky Dish of the Day

Fish and Lobster Selection

(not available elsewhere)

– with a non-optional large serving of

Prawns a la carte Numerique


avec quatre cents canaux d’achats à la maison ont chié,

et de jolies filles nones emballé

A Transdiffusion Presentation

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