Brownlegg at Large: October 2001 

1 October 2001

Well, good day to all of you in my ragged army. I hope you had a good time at my official opening ball for Associated-Radiation Digital, and that you did not all use up the rum ration. I thought two pint bottles was fairly generous, considering the high starting up costs – not to mention the high casualty rate – of the Huntin’ Shootin’ and Fishin’ Channel. A few of the ladies got a bit squiffy, with the shout of “Let’s debag Brownlegg!” being the battle cry. How undignified! How proletarian! Of course, I let them. Note to self: If Gloria finds out, deny all knowledge.

To business. I note that the Brownlegg Bullfighting Channel is getting a fair amount of media coverage, but channels 1 and 2 are getting mixed up by some of the more cretaneous viewers. Example: on Monday, BBC-2 is showing coverage of “Bullfighting from Barcelona” with David Smokeless-Fuelman, but one paper (must be Max Bolingbroke’s fault) has that followed by “Never Mind The Buzzcocks”. Maybe it’s that quiz show format that Spencer-Wells bought from Jack Huyton for 40/- and a Chinese burn.

I accept that to call my channels BBC-1 and BBC-2 might be confusing, but Lord Renwick of Associated Broadcasting Company reckons that I might win this one if it gets to court. Certainly, I am assured that the confusion will stop when I launch BBC-3 and BBC-4. I mean, those channels never will exist, will they? As I was saying to Gloria last week, I said, Glo, please, tighter. Which is still true to this day, I find.

Talking of BBC-2 – the OTHER BBC-2 that is – this channel for arty-farty London types. Thank heavens the rest of the country took a long time to see it, don’t want all of these provincials getting ideas above their station such as not playing “God Save The Queen”at closedown.

Gloria Gaumont – vacuous to a fault – will be seen soon starring as Sister Spankly in the Anglo-Adulterated B-feature “Nurses on Top”, and in the J. Arthur Rankle feature “Love Is A Four Letter Word”. She has not been very well of late, and ironically has been under the doctor for about a week. She has plenty to say about daytime television though. What are all these “people shows” about? I mean, “Killjoy”, “Jerry Springboard” and “Vicki Lake” feature human beings all right, but most times they are the dregs of existence! I mean, who’s heard of a man who marries his brother’s aunt who is related to his next-door neighbour’s family cat? And all these men who dress up like women? And this entire drug-taking scene? A glass of wine and an aspirin was the last word in sin in my day.

Now, in MY day, “Kingsway Corner” was our people show, with Walt Kenton stopping passers-by outside Adastral House to ask hard-hitting topical questions. I believe that all of the telerecordings have been thrown away, except this short clip:

Kenton: Hello, what do you think of the weather?

Passer-by 1: It’s raining, but they say it’ll get fine later.

Kenton: (shouting above pneumatic drill): What do you think of traffic noise?

Passer-by 2: (also shouting) I think the stock market value should be of little consequence in the planning of day nurseries.

(Noise stops)

Kenton: (to camera) we seem to be having some troubles here…. Ah, hold on…Good day sir, what do you have to say to our audience?

Passer-by 3: Dirty Postcards?

Kenton: Please go.

PB 3: Dirty Postcards?

Kenton: I won’t tell you again…

PB 3: Dirty Postcards?

Kenton: Oh my God! (Opens his overcoat)

Kenton: OK, here you are. Two shillings each.

(Sound of producer gnashing teeth over closing credits)

After that, “Kingsway Corner” became one of our first advertising magazines, selling everything for the discerning adult.


Signpost with 'ITV' on it

Barcelona, Spain. Spotter: Andrew Hesford-Booth

I notice that there are no people on between the programmes now. What happened to the continuity announcers, and their studio? Good old Muriel and Redvers, who would announce each of our programmes as if it was a sumptuous meal. In A-R (motto: “Forcing Culture Into Your Home”) the lion lay down with the lamb and “Take Your Pick” and “This Week” were equally as important when it came to trailers. And now, what do you have? “ITV1” in big letters, with each company symbol as an afterthought. All of the presentation studios are now store cupboards or offices. So I’m bringing back continuity to Associated-Radiation’s digital channels, with matadors on BBC-1 and 2, the Master of the Foxhunt on the HSF Channel, and a chef on the Hunt ‘Em, Shoot ‘Em and Eat ‘Em Channel (HSE). The next step is to find suitable ballgowns for the ladies (perhaps Spencer-Wells could help out there) and the right ladies. Note to self: do I still have Sylvie Petra’s telephone number? Hope Margaret hasn’t found my little black book.

Finally, it is now official: most of the United Kingdom, rather than just the North, is Granddadland. They now own most of the ITV companies, even more than Chaptown. And of all the indignities, they don’t even play the National Anthem, and one has to wait for ABC to play it at weekends so the Royalists in the North can stand and salute their Monarch!

I always went to Capri to see Gracie Fields rather than Rochdale, after all, it beats visiting the grim North hands-down!

Does this domination by Granddad Media mean, in order to work in television, we all have to assume northern accents and own pigeons?

Ah well, when in Rome. Eeh up, love, time ter go, eckythump, la, they don’t do that dere, do dey? I’ll see thee…(Take that cloth cap off my head, Spencer-Wells, or I’ll make you wear the whippet’s collar and leash! This man has a fetish for rope).

On second thoughts….

Now, we’re several months into the plan to steal back the Adastral, the glorious symbol of everything that was wonderful about A-R, from it’s current owner, Mr Victory Lewis-Smith of the Daily Mirror.

So far, we have reach stage one of the plan, and don’t seem to have progressed. Therefore I have revised the plan again, and renamed stage one to stage two. This immediately doubles our progress, as I hope you all agree.

Stage two will proceed as follows. Those of you on the left will dress up as shepherds, replete with crooks, and blend into the crowds on the Underground. Those of you on the right will dress up as sheep and use buses and taxis to get to Canary Wharf. Once there, the sheep will rush the building, and the shepherds will chase after them. In the ensuing confusion, two sheep and a shepherd will accost Victoria and remove the Adastral, using minimum force if possible. You will then all return to the London Eye where I will be directing proceedings. I hope this is clear to you all. Any mistakes will be dealt with in the usual way. You know what that means.

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