The Brownlegg Files: Christmas 2002 

15 December 2002

It’s that time of the year again. The one little children wait for so eagerly. Yes, it’s the Brownlegg Christmas special, with it’s four-part bumper fun bag of fun!

Jean Morton’s Christmas Card

Santa Brownlegg sez: Hello again, one and all. It’s that time of year when you set out to make merry with Christmas cheer, bringing happiness and smiles to all of your friends and families. Unfortunately, as usual, you’ll be rushing around buying all of the tat at the last minute, won’t you, and your nicely wrapped copy of the Blue Peter Fourth Book bought at the local Oxfam won’t go down too well, just because you decided to spend all of your money on drink and drugs. I’ve got a few hints.

To help you – try making Jean Morton’s Christmas Card!

Jean says: Hello everybody, and welcome. I have a super idea, and you might like to try it. No, not that, I did that with Muriel, John and Gus last night – you know, went for a drink to celebrate wetting the baby’s head. Why don’t you switch off your screen saver and go out and do something less interesting instead? Take your scissors to the screen image below – I mean, cut it out of a printed copy – and if you print enough of them, everyone will think you are really nice. Honest. By the way, please send 20 guineas for each card to our direct sales site at Amazoff.con.

Brownlegg Christmas Card

Gus’s Anagram Scam!

Fancy a bit of schadenfreude?

Well, here’s your chance, guv. Inside each bubble is an anagram of someone who ‘as either lost their job in the media, caused a ruckus or been banished like a cracked cup in life’s car boot sale.

There’s no prize, but, hey, I’m mean. What did you expect? Sugar on it?

Julia Skonkers
Raggy Tillett
Carrie Windue
Hollie Jens
Tana Mad
Plebu Rullar
Charlie Morebarmy

A Christmas Carol

Santa Brownlegg’s back now, boys and girls, with a new version of an old favourite, so I want you all to sing from the heart and wallet on this one…

I’m dreaming of a TV franchise

Just like the station we used to be

The logo would glisten,

You’d watch and listen

To us, not the rotten old BBC

I’m dreaming of a TV station

Just like the ones we used to know

May your knobs be silver and bright

And may all your shows be black and white

I’m dreaming of a Slim Gloria

Just like the one I used to hold

She would caress me lightly

And go twice nightly

And keep my toes from getting cold

I’m dreaming of an Executive Position

Just like the one I used to have

May the snow and hail come hurtling down

And may all your Leggs forever be Brown.

Join The Dots

Lord Dull of Ditchwater, the chairman of the ITA and wartime Radio Laxative, has a fun game of join-the-dots for you all to play. Can you tell what the picture is going to be?


A final word from the good Captain:

Remember to always be good at this festive time. Share your sweets, try to break up your parents arguments, and always say that you really liked the horrible cardy your Auntie Nellie bought for you because it took all the remaining Hayfield double-knit wool she could afford to make it. Anyway, the dog’s basket gets cold too.

Spare a thought for the poor meat, on the rotisserie. Tasty it might be, but remember that was once someone’s pet. You know, it reminds me of the old BBC globe turning, but I bet the engineers in Pres, never had to wipe dripping fat off of Antarctica. Or maybe they did?

As for me, I intend to celebrate well this year. My elves Muriel, Jean and Gloria are here to indulge me while little Carlton lies asleep under his adastral mobile, and Gus and John have stocked the bar up with cinnamon Alco pop, bitter beer, Havana cigars and sex toys. After all, Christmas Day might be for the kids, but Christmas night belongs to the adults!

Happy Christmas, one and all. Close the door as you leave, will you?

Your bus is due in about three minutes…

A Transdiffusion Presentation

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Thomas Brownlegg R.N.Retd Contact More by me

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Liverpool, Monday 15 April 2024